The 8 Types of Geekbags
Posted by Zac Ashmore on September 9th, 2009Every group of friends has that one person. You know, the one that nobody really likes and can’t find one good reason to hang out with them. When these colorful people wear the veneer of geekdom they can be especially obnoxious. I call these folks “geekbags.” Every group of geeky friends has one “geekbag” and if you cannot identify which one it is then chances are that it’s you. It should be said that every geek can have a few of these tendencies, but it’s the ones that take these behaviors to extreme levels that they become a geekbag. So let’s begin.
The Troll
They prefer to remain anonymous as they strike. Going from place to place spreading annoyance simply for the pursuit of the lol. Forum trolls never add anything useful to any conversation; instead they spread their asinine opinions which usually consist of questioning someones sexual preference. Their irrelevance doesn’t stop there, however, as you can find a trolls presence on many different geeky websites and online games. You can tell that they have struck when you have either read a post or played a game with someone that makes you lose faith in humanity.
How to Spot Them: On a forum or blog comment section its the person who posts, “first,” as if anyone gives a shit. In video games it’s the person who revels in “grieving noobs” or says things like, “I’m gonna rape you fag!” constantly.
The Rules Lawyer
Have you ever been sitting around talking about something inconsequential only to have that one obnoxious friend correct you on an insignificant detail? Sure you have so you should know about the rules lawyer. That of the type of person who attempts to find out how something works so that they can bend it to their own whim. The rules lawyer geekbag attempts do do this with reality. They wish to make sure that the truth as they know it is always being uttered even if it means they have to correct you on the exact number of French fries you ate last night. What’s even worse is that they get the douchebag smile after every correction reveling in smug superiority.
How to Spot Them: It’s the person with whom you are having a conversation who insists on fact-checking every statement or opinion you may have. They also constantly speak up when someone else is talking to correct insignificant details: (you) “Last night in our raid I we had over thirty people attend.” (rules lawyer) “Actually, it was thirty one…and three of them dropped before we started.” (you) “Thanks for interrupting and ruining the story geekbag.”
The Know It All
Similar to the rules lawyer in that they can and will correct you, but oh so different in that they have the tendency to wax intellectual at times questioning established scientific principles with half-assed pop philosophy. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then count yourself lucky that you have not sat through three hours of theoretical physics discussion in which your only addition is a half nod and an “uh huh.” The biggest problem with the know it all is that they don’t know when to shut up and leave a discussion alone instead of approaching every social interaction as a chance to practice their debate skills. Luckily humanity has invented two natural defense mechanisms to this this type of person: the ability to go into a daze, and earplugs.
How to Spot Them: Beware the geek who will not shut up about anything. They are the ones who can speak for hours transitioning from one subject to another without even letting you say much at all. What’s worse is that they get offended when you leave the conversation, making you feel like the jerk.
The Martial Artist
This is the skinny weakling who fancies himself a ninja in training and would wear a Naruto headband if the people in charge of the dojo would let them. You can spot these folks a mile away as they are the ones with zero muscle mass throwing impotent punches with all the force of a dead fish handshake. Although it’s nice to see geeks learning how to defend themselves you can’t help but see that with no force behind their moves all they are doing is training themselves for a future beat down at the hands of a real martial artist. What makes them especially obnoxious is that they make all geeks look even lamer by comparison because we have to accept them as kin.
How To Spot Them: Go to a dojo or some sort of martial arts class. I guarantee you will find at least one martial artist geekbag there. It’s not difficult, trust me.
The Unclean One
If you have ever been to a geek convention then you have come across this type of geekbag. The words “shower” and “body odor” do not seem to be concepts to this person. Chances are they reek of musk and cigarette smoke and that’s just the women, but this term doesn’t just fit to those who are filthy. The unclean one also refers to the geek who wears clothing that doesn’t fit them or look in anyway happy to be attached to their bulging or wrinkled flesh. You can find many LARPers who fit this description. Older folks need to stay away from revealing clothing and that means you too lady who is pushing a hard fifty years old dressed as Wonder Woman. I have to take a shower now just talking about this.
How To Spot Them: Go to a geek convention or play in a LARP. Beware that there are just some things that you cannot unsee.
The Fetishist
Most geeks love to separate themselves from the “furry” crowd. Frankly I think furries get the brunt of bad press because they are just a drop in the pool of fetishist geekbags. Granted a very large drop, but still a drop nevertheless. This classification also harbors the Anime fetishists including the hot chicks dressed in very revealing clothing that you know you can’t score with because they have too many issues. The punk, goth, vampire folks who basically mope around smoking clove cigarettes and generally annoy everyone else with their “originality,” and the Sci Fi fans who take dedication to their franchise of choice way too seriously. The kind of seriously in which they will threaten you with violence. All of these folks have one thing in common: They want to be a part of their chosen fantasy world and have sex with one of the characters. If you don’t believe me then look up the words “fan fiction.” But tread carefully because like The Unclean Ones, there are some things that you can’t unread.
How To Spot Them: Fetishists are actually quite good at hiding their true desires in everyday life, however, there are certain clues that can tip you off. For example if they have a few too many posters of Han Solo, or some obscure Anime show in their home or cubicle. If they continuously speak about “this great TV show / video game / movie character,” for a really long period of time. Or you could find them the easy way and go to a geek convention. They are everywhere and I mean everywhere.
The Fanboy / Fangirl
Often mistaken for The Fetishist, The Fanboy / Fangirl geekbag is a different animal altogether. While fetishists want to have sex with their chosen fantasy land, Fanboys / Fangirls want to exist there to live out their entire lives. Obsession is a light phrase to describe these geekbags as they not only embody it, they surpass it. They try and do everything to bring it into the real world and surround their lives in it. Heck they even marry and have little Fanboys / Fangirls of their own continuing the line of geekbaggery that refuses to grow up and accept the real world. It’s easy to be mean to these folks but they are mostly harmless which is why they spread like VD throughout geek communities.
How To Spot Them: If you cannot spot a Fanboy / Fangirl from a mile away then you have no perception skills. They reek of Sci Fi / Fantasy / Anime nerdom.
The Critic
They say that everyone is a critic and these geekbags take that saying, criticize it for being too crass, then start talking about how much they hate critics. This constant complainer who can let you know exactly how they feel whenever and wherever they please is one of the worst aspects of geekdom. They take great pleasure in ripping apart every movie they see, every game they play, and every thing else in the world that is open to their all seeing eyes. Perhaps their criticisms wouldn’t be so bad if they talked about shit that actually mattered.
How To Spot Them: It’s the person on the forums who answers a question with a criticism of the question. It’s the person who ruins a movie you are about to see by talking about all of the plot points they didn’t think worked. It’s the person who writes articles talking about the different types of geekbags there are.
There we have it. An exploration of all of the duchebaggery geekdom has to offer. I hope you enjoyed our journey. Until next time.
Tags: geekbag