1. Using Too Many Special Effects
There is a reason that these things are called “special” effects; because they are supposed to be “special” as in rare. Perhaps I’m jaded but I can tell a computer generated character or effect a mile away and as cool as they can be I don’t want them in every scene. I’m speaking heavily to you George Lucas. To the credit of Lucas Arts, they are damn fine at what they do, but when a movie too heavily relies on it’s special effects to drive the story and the interest then what’s the point of having characters at all? It’s no wonder actors these days are not as convincing, they have to interact with a green screen half the time. Heck I’m even going to call out Lord of the Rings. Gollum was an incredible acting job, but I couldn’t get into the character because he looked fake. Movies, especially the big blockbusters, need to take a step back from the computer and allow actors to drive the story again.

2. Pretty People With Problems
This sounds really superficial but I think it needs to be said. I don’t care about supermodels playing characters. I want characters I can relate to. When they look so pretty they’re inhuman I’ve lost interest. I’m not really blaming the actors par se; I’m speaking of the makeup artists who cake on so much of the stuff that I feel like I’m looking at a whole other dimension where no one is “real” looking anymore. What happened to casting people who can actually play a character as opposed to someone who has the “look?” Please start finding actors who can act and stay away from the runway for a little while.

3.  Boom, Boom, Die
I love a cool explosion so don’t get me wrong, however, there is a point when a movie stops relying on story and characters and starts relying on it’s explosions and stunts. To you movie executives out there, you do know that you can have both right? What makes Die Hard a better movie than, say, Terminator 3? Freaking John McClane! A character! A character that is both awesome and relatable. He does awesome stunts and causes lots of cool explosions, but those things become part of the story because his reaction to surviving those things is the same reaction anyone else would have, “Holy Sh**!, that was stupid! Why am I still alive!?” Explosions for the sake of explosions takes away from their impact and makes them not as breathtaking. Dial down the stupid, bring in some smart.

4. Remakes / Reboots
I really don’t need to say much more than in the past few years at least one third of the horror movies that have been released have been remakes. Are they worth it? No. No matter how awesome Rob Zombie is, just…no.

5. Hack Directors
This might just get me in very hot water, but the three most overrated hack directors of the past ten years are Uwe Boll, McG, and Michael Bay. These three men have no place behind a major motion picture and should only be relegated to directing children’s musicals at their local schools. Their movies break all of the rules I’ve stated so far, yet they are paid enormous amounts of cash to churn out awful flicks that the major studios force down our throats and convince us will be worth our $7.50 (or $15.00 if it’s an IMAX). Do yourself and everyone you know a favor and don’t see a motion picture that has any of these three folk’s names attached to it.

Ultimately this list asks the question, “When did mediocrity become acceptable in Hollywood?” I love film, and I want to see it flourish. Every year there are a handful of films that make it to the big screen that I truly enjoy and give me hope that there is a bright future for cinema. Let’s hope that these are five fads that will die out soon so that the adults can start running the show again. We the people can make that happen by voting with our wallets. Until next time…

1. Big Thick Rectangle Glasses
This is not a stab at those who need thick glasses, but for those who’s vision doesn’t  require these bulky monstrosities. It’s bad enough that the bug eyed sunglasses of the 80′s are back in style, but the thick 50′s hipster glasses were a syle that died with the 60s. Let it go already.

2. Unkempt Hair
We all get it, you just rolled out of bed and you don’t care about your hair because you just spent all night studying for your advanced theoretical physics exam. That, or you just spent two hours in the bathroom teasing your hair to make it look that way. Sloppy people don’t impress anyone.

3.Beret
Maybe when French people wear them it’s considered cool. American’s who wear them look pretentious. I have a hypothesis: The size of your beret shows how big a geekbag you are.

4. Vintage T-Shirts
This is going to get me into hot water but hear me out. It’s not vogue to wear ratty worn T-Shirts. You look homeless not cool.

5. Bow Ties
Only children and groomsmen wear bow ties. Period.

So there we have it. Until next time…

So we all know that geeks are usually quite smart about many things. Food is not one of them. However, instead of using this article to rail against the  non-nutritional nature of geeky food I’m going to celebrate it. This was quite a large list I started with and had to nail it down to five of the most eaten and well known among us geeks. So here it is; I present you the five geekiest foods.

5. Pizza
So we all know that this food is pretty much eaten by everybody which is why it’s not higher on the list, however, geeks consume abnormally large amount of the stuff. Have you ever been to a friend’s house and seen that they have a pile of pizza boxes as tall as them? Me too. Honestly though can you blame us? Pizza is delicious, relatively cheap, and can be delivered right to your door. We could spend some time fixing a nice salad for ourselves, or we could go with convenience and finish this video game before daybreak. Now pass me slice of pepperoni before it gets cold.

4. Potato and Corn Chips
No LAN party (do those even happen any more?), tabletop game, or movie night would be complete without a bowl or bag of these crunchy delights. Say what you want about their fattening qualities; a good bag of chips will never let you down. They are cheap, taste great, and portable. We could go eat an apple, or we could open this bag of Doritos and share them with our friends. A bag of chips brings people together. Chips could save the world.

3. Energy Drinks
Every MMO player knows that they need three things: a computer, the internet, and an energy drink. Every tabletop gamer knows that they need three things: friends, imagination, and an energy drink. I think you see the pattern here. Not to be outdone by the skateboarders and extreme sports folks, we geeks have hijacked the energy drink market and made it our own. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Or how about this. That’s some pure geektacular stuff right there. You know, we could go get a glass of milk, or we could make sure we stay up until our hallucinations become real.

2. Instant Ramen Noodles
A staple of every gamer pantry is the venerable instant ramen noodle soup. Either eaten prepared or raw this handy snack can be flavored to suit any palate. There’s really not much more to say about this stuff as it’s got so much going for it that you can truly allow your imagination to wander as to new way to prepare and serve it. We geeks love choices, and instant ramen noodle soup delivers every time. We could go boil some vegetables, or we could add them too the Ramen noodle soup and get twice what we wanted.

1. Pocky
This snack is the geekiest food there is. I don’t know of anyone who eats this stuff who isn’t. Frankly I don’t know what geeks see in it as I think it tastes a little worse than cardboard. I have a hypothesis that all of the nasty cheap chocolate that isn’t consumed during Easter (I speak of those cheap hollow Easter bunnies, awful) is gathered from around the world and sold to the folks who make Pocky. They then dip their bland bread sticks into it and sell it to cheap suckers who want to eat something “made in Japan, whoopee!” We could go and get a Snickers bar, or we could…oh forget it.

There we have it, the five geekiest foods you can consume. Until next time.

The Brooding Antihero
We’ve seen this over and over. He/She is some sort of badass on the field of battle but off of it they are like a stranded emo goth looking for someone to hug. I can understand the concept that war erases humanity, but the Brooding Antihero is like this from the first time we meet them and never grows out of it. Their personality is that of  a 2′x4′ with a bored facial expression on it. They are a dime a dozen.

The Tough Guy
I can get that some folks have attitude and can back that up. I can get that you would want someone like that on your side in a fight. What I can’t get is that these character’s cannot turn off the loudmouth bragging ever. It gets to the point that you pray that they get beaten up so that they will shut up. However, as much as I would like to see that happen, I must admit that it’s kind of pathetic to wish pain on a series of code and pixels.

The Cheerful Damsel
Always increadibly upbeat the Cheerful Damsel represents what video games want in a princess: positive, naive, and always getting herself into trouble.  She can be a character that isn’t annoying, unfortunately, that usually isn’t the case. Your character will meet her at a point when her stupidity has gotten her into trouble and you have to bail her out. Its wonderful to have someone in the party that has “love interest” written above her head; and by wonderful I mean boring and lazy storytelling.

The Obnoxious One
If there is a character I have grown to despise in my JRPG more than any other it’s this one. He/She has many qualities as the Cheerful Damsel, only without the love interest angle and twice as rambunctious. He/She seems to think highly of themselves and is always the first to inappropriately spew out their opinions no matter how inane. It usually amounts to something along the lines of, “Come and get us ugly.” They usually play the comic relief in the story. I think it would be funny to let the party to kill the character.

Mysterious Stranger
These characters usually have the coolest angle to them. Enough so that you wish that the main character was just as interesting. They look cool, don’t really say much, and when they do it’s always important. They could be a mystical character or fighter. If there is one character archetype that JRPGs do well it’s this one.

Don’t let this list fool you; I enjoy a good JRPG. Consider this a criticism of something dear to my heart. I hope you enjoyed my rambling. Until next time.

Every group of friends has that one person. You know, the one that nobody really likes and can’t find one good reason to hang out with them. When these colorful people wear the veneer of geekdom they can be especially obnoxious. I call these folks “geekbags.” Every group of geeky friends has one “geekbag” and if you cannot identify which one it is then chances are that it’s you. It should be said that every geek can have a few of these tendencies, but it’s the ones that take these behaviors to extreme levels that they become a geekbag. So let’s begin.

The Troll
They prefer to remain anonymous as they strike. Going from place to place spreading annoyance simply for the pursuit of the lol. Forum trolls never add anything useful to any conversation; instead they spread their asinine opinions which usually consist of questioning someones sexual preference. Their irrelevance doesn’t stop there, however, as you can find a trolls presence on many different geeky websites and online games. You can tell that they have struck when you have either read a post or played a game with someone that makes you lose faith in humanity.

How to Spot Them: On a forum or blog comment section its the person who posts, “first,” as if anyone gives a shit. In video games it’s the person who revels in “grieving noobs” or says things like, “I’m gonna rape you fag!” constantly.

The Rules Lawyer
Have you ever been sitting around talking about something inconsequential only to have that one obnoxious friend correct you on an insignificant detail? Sure you have so you should know about the rules lawyer. That of the type of person who attempts to find out how something works so that they can bend it to their own whim. The rules lawyer geekbag attempts do do this with reality. They wish to make sure that the truth as they know it is always being uttered even if it means they have to correct you on the exact number of French fries you ate last night. What’s even worse is that they get the douchebag smile after every correction reveling in smug superiority.

How to Spot Them: It’s the person with whom you are having a conversation who insists on fact-checking every statement or opinion you may have. They also constantly speak up when someone else is talking to correct insignificant details: (you) “Last night in our raid I we had over thirty people attend.” (rules lawyer) “Actually, it was thirty one…and three of them dropped before we started.” (you) “Thanks for interrupting and ruining the story geekbag.”

The Know It All
Similar to the rules lawyer in that they can and will correct you, but oh so different in that they have the tendency to wax intellectual at times questioning established scientific principles with half-assed pop philosophy. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then count yourself lucky that you have not sat through three hours of theoretical physics discussion in which your only addition is a half nod and an “uh huh.” The biggest problem with the know it all is that they don’t know when to shut up and leave a discussion alone instead of approaching every social interaction as a chance to practice their debate skills. Luckily humanity has invented two natural defense mechanisms to this this type of person: the ability to go into a daze, and earplugs.

How to Spot Them: Beware the geek who will not shut up about anything. They are the ones who can speak for hours transitioning from one subject to another without even letting you say much at all. What’s worse is that they get offended when you leave the conversation, making you feel like the jerk.

The Martial Artist
This is the skinny weakling who fancies himself a ninja in training and would wear a Naruto headband if the people in charge of the dojo would let them. You can spot these folks a mile away as they are the ones with zero muscle mass throwing impotent punches with all the force of a dead fish handshake. Although it’s nice to see geeks learning how to defend themselves you can’t help but see that with no force behind their moves all they are doing is training themselves for a future beat down at the hands of a real martial artist. What makes them especially obnoxious is that they make all geeks look even lamer by comparison because we have to accept them as kin.

How To Spot Them: Go to a dojo or some sort of martial arts class. I guarantee you will find at least one martial artist geekbag there. It’s not difficult, trust me.

The Unclean One
If you have ever been to a geek convention then you have come across this type of geekbag. The words “shower” and “body odor” do not seem to be concepts to this person. Chances are they reek of musk and cigarette smoke and that’s just the women, but this term doesn’t just fit to those who are filthy. The unclean one also refers to the geek who wears clothing that doesn’t fit them or look in anyway happy to be attached to their bulging or wrinkled flesh. You can find many LARPers who fit this description. Older folks need to stay away from revealing clothing and that means you too lady who is pushing a hard fifty years old dressed as Wonder Woman. I have to take a shower now just talking about this.

How To Spot Them: Go to a geek convention or play in a LARP. Beware that there are just some things that you cannot unsee.

The Fetishist
Most geeks love to separate themselves from the “furry” crowd. Frankly I think furries get the brunt of bad press because they are just a drop in the pool of fetishist geekbags. Granted a very large drop, but still a drop nevertheless. This classification also harbors the Anime fetishists including the hot chicks dressed in very revealing clothing that you know you can’t score with because they have too many issues. The punk, goth, vampire folks who basically mope around smoking clove cigarettes and generally annoy everyone else with their “originality,” and the Sci Fi fans who take dedication to their franchise of choice way too seriously. The kind of seriously in which they will threaten you with violence. All of these folks have one thing in common: They want to be a part of their chosen fantasy world and have sex with one of the characters. If you don’t believe me then look up the words “fan fiction.” But tread carefully because like The Unclean Ones, there are some things that you can’t unread.

How To Spot Them: Fetishists are actually quite good at hiding their true desires in everyday life, however, there are certain clues that can tip you off. For example if they have a few too many posters of Han Solo, or some obscure Anime show in their home or cubicle. If they continuously speak about “this great TV show / video game / movie character,” for a really long period of time. Or you could find them the easy way and go to a geek convention. They are everywhere and I mean everywhere.

The Fanboy / Fangirl
Often mistaken for The Fetishist, The Fanboy / Fangirl geekbag is a different animal altogether. While fetishists want to have sex with their chosen fantasy land, Fanboys / Fangirls want to exist there to live out their entire lives. Obsession is a light phrase to describe these geekbags as they not only embody it, they surpass it. They try and do everything to bring it into the real world and surround their lives in it. Heck they even marry and have little Fanboys / Fangirls of their own continuing the line of geekbaggery that refuses to grow up and accept the real world. It’s easy to be mean to these folks but they are mostly harmless which is why they spread like VD throughout geek communities.

How To Spot Them: If you cannot spot a Fanboy / Fangirl from a mile away then you have no perception skills. They reek of Sci Fi / Fantasy / Anime nerdom.

The Critic
They say that everyone is a critic and these geekbags take that saying, criticize it for being too crass, then start talking about how much they hate critics. This constant complainer who can let you know exactly how they feel whenever and wherever they please is one of the worst aspects of geekdom. They take great pleasure in ripping apart every movie they see, every game they play, and every thing else in the world that is open to their all seeing eyes. Perhaps their criticisms wouldn’t be so bad if they talked about shit that actually mattered.

How To Spot Them: It’s the person on the forums who answers a question with a criticism of the question. It’s the person who ruins a movie you are about to see by talking about all of the plot points they didn’t think worked. It’s the person who writes articles talking about the different types of geekbags there are.

There we have it. An exploration of all of the duchebaggery geekdom has to offer. I hope you enjoyed our journey. Until next time.